Honda Uni-Cub brings us one step roll closer to Wall-E's world

Wall-E, in case you haven't seen it, is a brilliant film of the dystopian future genre in which a rag-tag band of humans find themselves fleeing chaos in a post-apocalyptic world in which anthropomorphic computers and robots are hell-bent on their destruction and/or preventing their return to Earth.

If you have seen Wall-E, you're probably wondering what I was on when I watched it.

Yeah, yeah, it's a kids' film, with an i-Robot-you love story to boot, but it really is about a dystopian future, a post-apocalyptic world filled with destruction, loads and loads of chaos, and anthropomorphic computers and robots, some of which are preventing humankind's return to Earth. And one of them really does seem to be trying to kill the captain (or at least incapacitate him).

But the joke's on him: morbid obesity would have done the captain in soon anyway.

And that brings me to my point (yes, I do have one). Honda recently unveiled its answer to the Segway (as if we needed one): a glorified electronic unicycle called the Uni-Cub. They might as well have called it the Uni-Club, because it will figuratively club you to death.

You're probably wondering what I am on now, but bear with me, please. When the Segway was first released, it was hailed for the supposed community-altering aspects it would bring. Instead of jumping in their cars, people would hop on their Segways and zippily go places that were a little too far to walk but too close for the guilt-ridden to drive (yes, there are a few of us).

The idea was that, with more and more people milling about at street level, this would lead to shops, cafés, neighborhood eateries, food kiosks, etc., sprouting like weeds and American cities would become like Seoul, Tōkyō, London, Paris, Roma, Hong Kong, Pusan, Ōsaka, Rio de Janeiro, Amsterdam, Madrid, Barcelona, Cairo, Athens, Brussels, Stockholm, Milano, Firenze, Marseilles, Mexico City, Buenos Aires, or just about every other city in the entire world.

Alas, this utopian future world never materialized. The Segway instead resulted in three major trends: Waikiki tourists getting plowed into by uncaring Honolulu motorists, national park rangers looking utterly ridiculous, and two entire generations conditioned to misspell the perfectly usable word segue.

The Segway was too expensive, too bulky, and it caused presidents to fall on their face. But the Honda Uni-Cub aims to resolve at least one of those issues, since it can even be used indoors. Simply put, you can, if you so desired, never walk anywhere.

And that brings us back to Wall-E's world.

This is technology gone horribly wrong. What is the difference between the top photo and this one just above? Holographic computer screens and about 50 kilos per person.

This is the part of the essay where my public health background kicks in: God made us bipedal for a reason. Walking provides us with salubrious functionality that goes way beyond getting from Point A to Point B. It keeps our blood pumping, it provides just enough stress on our skeleton that it encourages healthy bone replacement, and it helps regulate blood sugar. I run three miles a day, but if you can't run or jog then you should walk.

Even just a walk around the block with your dog, your s.o., and/or your kids or parents would do wonders for your health and longevity that you wouldn't get if you were mostly stationary and sedentary. Those of us in public health simply cannot emphasize that enough (seriously, we can't stop, it's like a genetic flaw or something).

And that leads me to what should by now be an obvious conclusion: Honda's Uni-Cub is part of a plot by the Japanese government to once and for all solve its demographic crisis. If you don't know what I'm talking about, take a look a the charts on this post (a very high-traffic post for this blog, and one of only two in this blog's top ten that don't include scantily clad women). Japan's "population pyramid" is an inverted pyramid, and South Korea is catching up on this trend.

No economist has yet figured out how to maintain high standards of living with a graying population characteristic of an inverted pyramid like this.

Simply put, what had long been considered a "normal" population distribution was a pyramid like the one at right, where it had a large base of young people and it tapered off at the top where all the old people (i.e., retirees) would be. The idea being that those toward the bottom would work and toil (much like the people who built the actual pyramids) and the fruits of their labor would be enough to support the elderly in their old age, as well as the base (which is made up of children who, thanks to Charles Dickens, can no longer be put to work legally).

But years of declining birth rates have meant loads of old people and not enough young workers. We used to have twenty workers per retiree, and soon we'll have just around two because the top is growing faster than future workers are being replaced and the elderly are living to 100 instead of dying a year or so after retirement due to smoking-related illness, preventable infections, public safety problems, or nagging.


Replacement birth rate is about 2.1 children per adult woman (2.0 to replace the woman and the man who impregnated her, presumably her husband or long-term boyfriend, and 0.1 to replace those who die before reproducing or never marry). But countries like South Korea, for example, implemented birth control programs so successful that its birth rate plummeted from something like seven children per woman (not an exaggeration even though it sounds like one) to just 1.2. That's two people being replaced by 1.2 offspring. That is the very definition of a dying society and the reason why Korea is now embracing immigration and its own brand of "multiculturalism" (다문화주의).

The Japanese have the same problem as Korea, but have chosen (so far) to eschew immigration in favor of technological solutions. And by that, I mean robots. Robots will be trained programmed to take care of the elderly and do all the tedious tasks that now require a fully human health care worker. But denial is, like the aforementioned pyramid, a river in Egypt, and this technological fix can only go part of the way.

Ostensibly, Honda's Uni-Cub will be part of this effort to handle the elderly like glazed donuts on the conveyor belt at Krispy Kreme, but I'm pretty sure that they were really designed as part of some darker final robotic solution (my ominous point from several paragraphs up, in case you were wondering just where the hel1 this tangent was going).

Gin-san and Kin-san:
Public Enemy #1

It's pretty clear: Honda's Uni-Cub is part of the government's effort to trim the top of the inverted pyramid by inducing obesity in the Japanese population. Start 'em young... er, youngerish. Give 'em a Uni-Cub at the age of, say fifty, and by the time they reach seventy or so, when their government pensions are kicking in, about half of them will be just like the scooter-lounging humanity in Wall-E. And that means they will kick off at seventy-five instead of ninety-five, thus relieving pressure on the non-retired population.

You think I'm kidding, but I'm deadly serious.

View Honda's propaganda video, if you dare:



...

Another tacky Chinese knockoff

Although this one is ROC Chinese, not PRC Chinese:



Really, despite the wings and the halo, if this is what Steve Jobs is doing now, you have to wonder if he's in the other place.

And speaking of homages in commercials, I found this amusing:



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Consumer Reports gives high marks to Hyundai and Kia vehicles

While Honda and Subaru make the best vehicles overall, the April 2011 edition of the influential Consumer Reports magazine (which I used exclusively to buy my first car in college) is praising the Hyundai and Kia line-ups as well.

CR named the Hyundai Elantra the best small car (link brings you to a video highlighting the Elantra)...

Redesigned for 2011, the Elantra delivers a lot for the money. With its makeover, this well-rounded sedan is now more stylish and engaging to drive. The Elantra provides fairly nimble handling; a decent ride, a smooth, responsive powertrain; a well-finished interior; and a relatively roomy rear seat. It's also miserly on gas, achieving 29 mpg overall in our tests and 39 mpg on the highway. We expect this new model to be as reliable as the previous one.

... and the Kia Sorento the best family SUV (link brings you to a video highlighting the Sorento), the first time Kia was named as a top pick in its ten major categories:

The Sorento was redesigned for 2011 and is now a more well-rounded SUV. A roomy, nicely finished interior includes comfortable seats and easy-to-use controls. An optional third-row seat, although tight, allows the Sorento to carry up to seven passengers. The smooth V6 engine provides good performance and fuel economy—20 mpg overall—that's as efficient as the base four-cylinder engine. The Sorento is also stocked with an inviting list of features for its price, making it one of the bargains of this class.

When I'm back in Seoul semi-permanently, that will probably be my next vehicle, except in the LGi (hybrid LP gas).

Meanwhile, over at Consumer Reports...

There is a discussion going on over at The Marmot's Hole about whether American cars deserve their sucky-ass reputation. Seouldout gives some impressive stats that I tried to wade through, but I couldn't find the details. Specifically, where do South Korea's top sellers rank in JD Powers or Motor Trend?

South Koreans bought South Korean-made cars for two reasons (though the two reasons were not always present in each person): they were cheaper and they were Korean. Nowadays, South Koreans who can afford more expensive cars might still choose South Korean cars because they're not just better than before, but because they're now supposedly among the best. Why spend as much or more on a Honda or Toyota when you can buy a Hyundai Sonata that will not just be about as good but also a lot easier and cheaper to fix? Same with a Ford or a Chrysler.

At any rate, Consumer Reports, which I used to buy my Acura back in college, is still the most comprehensive approach to getting a reliable, affordable, and safe vehicle. This is what they have to say about the topic:

Asian brands still dominate

The major Japanese brands and South Korea's Hyundai and Kia make plenty of reliable vehicles. Of the 48 models with top reliability scores, 36 were Asian. Toyota accounted for 18; Honda, eight; Nissan, four; and Hyundai/Kia and Subaru, three each.

On the whole, Japanese vehicles are consistently good. All Hondas and Acuras were average or above. Toyota, with its Lexus and Scion brands providing a broader product range, had just one vehicle that was below average in reliability, the Lexus GS AWD.

The Nissan and its Infiniti luxury division have been mostly very good despite lapses such as the subpar Nissan Quest minivan. The once problematic Infiniti QX56 and Nissan Armada SUVs are now average, and the same goes for the 4WD Nissan Titan pickup, although its RWD version is still troublesome. Over the last two surveys, the Nissan Versa hatchback has been average while the sedan has been far below average-an oddity.

Subaru has been a very reliable brand, but this year the turbocharged Impreza WRX turned up with a worse-than-average reliability score even though other versions of the Impreza have been average or better, as were all other Subarus.

Hyundai and Kia continue to make reliable cars. The Hyundai Elantra and Tucson, and the Kia Sportage got top marks. The new Genesis sedan was better than average with the V6, average with the V8. The only models that scored below average were the Kia Sedona minivan and Sorento SUV.

I have nothing against American cars. The first car I ever rode in was a Chrysler, and I learned how to drive with that very same vehicle fifteen and a half years later. I drove that same car to college a couple years after that, and I was twenty when my dad called me and asked if I didn't mind him finally selling that car — which was still running just fine! — which everyone in our family felt had sentimental value. By contrast, my mom's more recent Chrysler, a minivan, has been crap. Two of my siblings also bought Chrysler minivans, and they all seemed to fall apart — in dangerous ways — at the same time.

But I'm sensitive to quality changes. I'd heard good things about Buick, which I think could make a serious dent in the Korean marketplace with the right marketing. (Use Cadillac and Buick to tag-team the market: Market Cadillac as a high-quality, upscale vehicle, while offering Buick as a poor man's Caddy.) When I came to Hawaii, my first time living in the US since returning to South Korea after graduating from college, I took a baby-step toward buying an American vehicle: a used Honda manufactured at an Isuzu plant in Indiana. To be honest, this Honda Passport SUV didn't have the greatest of ratings, but it is reliable and it is a good fit for Oahu's crappy roads. That's my nod toward buying American for now.

Anyway, I'd like to see American cars do well in Korea, just like I'm thrilled to see Korean cars doing better and better in the US. But American carmakers have to stop blaming the Korean government for their failures. If they cannot keep up with the Japanese and Germans in South Korea, then there's something wrong with the way they're doing business.

Whining about South Korea's protectionist practices of a decade and a half ago (e.g., audits of foreign car buyers, which was justified by the presumption that people who could afford vehicles with these huge tariffs were those who had gotten money through corrupt means and/or were hiding sources of income) or pre-GATT tariffs that nearly doubled the cost of a car, are just showing not only how out of touch they are with what's really going on in the ROK, but also how they're trying to distort reality so they can make a better case in Washington.

If you need some ideas, email me. Let's talk.