Person on the street: Who would you want to be?

Surveys are always asking people on the street what celebrity they want to be. School-age kids will giggle and say they wish they were whoever is big on the screen or on the pop charts. Even adults' answers reveal that these questions are little more than silly celebrity popularity contests.  

So, for a bit of a twist, Monster Island asks our celebrities: Who would you want to be?

Rhonda Patterson.

— Lindsay Lohan (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Elizabeth Bickerman. The one in Middleville, Michigan.

— Halle Berry (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Arnold Coleman. Or Jim Delvecchio if he loses that beer belly.

— Bruce Willis (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Did Lindsay already say Rhonda Patterson? Damn, I was gonna say Rhonda Patterson. In that case... um... Susan Tanimura. 

— Hillary Duff (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Tod Abernathy, 'cuz he's got wicked pecs. No, wait... I'd totally be Lisa Harriman and fondle myself all day. 

— Ashton Kutcher (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Lisa Harriman's boyfriend.

—Wilmer Valderrama (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Anybody who isn't about to be inaugurated president during the worst economic downturn in almost a century. Anybody! I'm not kidding. If you cut your hair and got a little sun, you and I could switch places. Come on, it's 400 grand a year. That's gotta be two or three times what you make as a grad student. And my wife's hella hot... I'd throw her in as a bonus, but only until the end of my term.

—Barack Hussein Obama (former U.S. senator), Chicago IL

Anybody who isn't married to a Secretary of State. Hey, if you whitened your hair and doubled in size by eating your weight in sausage links, you and I could switch places. Come on, you could control a foundation that's worth billions... no one would know if a mil or two fell under the desk and went missing. Plus my wife is totally... ah, who am I kidding. She's no Michelle Obama. You'd become obsessed with working out your schedule so that you're both in different countries for most of the year. 

— William Clinton (former president), Chappaqua NY

Robert Koehler, hands down. That guy can pull off a hanbok. Plus, his wife is smokin'!

— Nicolas Cage (celebrity), Los Angeles CA

Robert Koehler's waitress.

— Alice Cage (retired food service worker), Los Angeles CA

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Person on the street: What's up with the hanbok?

The rising wave of Korean pop culture has brought Korean films, television shows, songs, and now even fashion to the rest of the world. Although the loose-fitting, maternity clothing-like traditional hanbok might look a little out of place not just in Seoul, but also on the streets of other cities around the world, it's still possible to spot one here and there. Not just in the elegant customary form but sometimes also with a newer, more modern flair. Even celebrities wear them.

So, Monster Island wants to know: Why are you wearing that hanbok?

The many colorful layers of luxury inside and outside the royal hanbok make me feel like a princess. It's great for when you get out of a car at 3 a.m. and you're totally wasted: If the paparazzi catch a glimpse of something pink, it probably won't be your hoo-ha.

— Britney S. (former child actress), Kentwood LA

The hanbok represents purity and innocence. When a girl puts it on, she feels as if she's taken back to an earlier time when the world around her was simpler. Though the dress is not form-fitting or sensual according to our modern-day zeitgeist, whenever I wear it I feel attractive, but in an entirely wholesome way. When I am adorned in a hanbok, I feel that all I encounter will look at me and see an edifying soul.

And that works for me, since right now everyone thinks I'm a whore.

— P. Hilton (reality television contestant), West Hollywood CA

The flowing cut of the hanbok means I can hide a great deal of contraband.

— Marta G., Miami FL

I'm wearing this so I can trick some near-sighted guy with an Asian fetish into going out with me.

— V. Nosalek (telemarketer), Brookline MA

I'm going to spend the next seven or eight months making my parents think I'm going through a "Korean wave" phase. Wear the hanbok, listen to some Rain, watch some "Oldboy." After the baby's born and I give it up for adoption, it's back to halter tops and jeans that show off my butt crack.

— J. Finkelman (high school junior), Albert Lea MN

Korean? I thought this was Japanese. Damn Koreans always following me around their store like I'm going to steal something. I've got a job, fool. I make my own money, goddammit! I'm a muther-fuckin' CPA at a top accounting firm, muther fucker! Get this shit off me!

—Jerome A. (certified public accountant), Centreville VA

The South Korean media has begged me not to wear this anymore. So, fuck you, South Korean media.

—Sandra O. (actress of some kind), Santa Barbara CA

Hanbok? This is how everyone dresses in the future. In the late 21st century, after the Koreans have perfected mass hypnosis through cellular phones and taken over the industrialized world, all citizens are forced to dress like 15th century Confucian academics and eat a diet rich in rice, seaweed, and kimchi.

By the way, can you direct me to Samsung headquarters? The underground rebellion on Lunar Station 82 has ordered me to destroy Samsung's R&D division. I think it's on Sixth and Broadway. Does that sound right?

— Lance P. (former minion and explosives specialist), Earth Orbiter 37

This is a hanbok? Cool! I was just going for a formal dress that screams "Do me!"

— Nicky H. (fashion school dropout), New York City

Does this mean I'm not gonna be in that FUBU Japan commercial?

—Jerome A. (certified public accountant), Centreville VA

I'm a wizard!

— George B. (retired politician), Crawford TX

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Psst... Soon-to-be former president George W. Bush is not actually wearing a hanbok. I just wanted to let you all know that. And let you all know that I know that. 

Person on the street: How do people in your country feel about the election of Obama?

In a landslide seven-point margin victory, Americans have chosen Illinois junior senator Barack Obama to replace the highly unpopular George W. Bush for control of the White House and the free world.

Americans (at least 52.9% of them) are certainly giddy as a schoolgirl, but what does the rest of the world think about the election of Senator Obama to the nation's highest office?

We are ecstatic. Completely ecstatic! And why wouldn't we be? The American infidels have finally come to their senses and have chosen to follow a great leader and a true Muslim: the righteous one, Osama!

— Amnon Dayfallah (carpet bagger*), West Yemen

Most everyone in Kenya is quite happy. Sixty-three percent of all Kenyans are a brother, sister, half-brother, half-sister, aunt, uncle, half-uncle, half-aunt, cousin, half-cousin, double cousin, first cousin once or twice removed, niece or nephew, great aunt, great uncle, or second cousin of Barack Hussein Obama, so we are excited. I myself am his half-niece and his fourth cousin, and I know seven of his grandfathers.

— Melinda Mgobo (school teacher), Kisumu, Kenya

With a 'B'? Are you sure?

— Amnon Dayfallah (carpet bagger*), West Yemen

I have read in many websites that if the Democrats gain control of the White House and both chambers of Congress, Latin Americans would have free rein in the United States, San Diego would be ceded to Tijuana, and America would become a Spanish-speaking vassal state of Mexico. So I am just counting the days until inauguration.

— Blanca Hernandez (jeweler), Distrito Federal, Mexico

It is good. A Black man in the White House means one less Black man roaming the streets when I visit America.

— Liu Jianzhong (government trading corporation vice representative in charge of international copyright infringement protection), Zhuzhou, China.

We are excited. Whenever one of Oprah's favorite things gets elected president, we are excited.

— Moeko Minami (kimono model and playwright), Hyogo Prefecture, Japan

It depends. Does this mean that the bombings will stop?

— Sajida Rishawi (domestic engineer), Baghdad, Iraq

All across South Africa, people are overjoyed. Well, no, let me rephrase that. I'm overjoyed. That's because everyone I meet thinks that I'm Obama, so I've been getting laid at least twice a day since the election. 

— Jackson Mokoena (cricket supplies dealer), Johannesburg, South Africa

November 4th was truly a great day. Ever since Obama was elected, my life has become a thousand times better.

— Amitabh Sharma (outdoorsman), Nainital, India

*He literally puts customers' carpets into bags at the checkout counter at a Walmart in Al Hudaydah. 

More person on the street interviews.

Person on the street: What do you think about visa-free entry for Koreans?

The US government has recently put the Republic of Korea on the visa-waiver program, meaning that Korean passport holders will be able to enter the United States without a special visa. This could lead to a dramatic increase in Korean visitors and tourist dollars.

This is a hot topic in Korea, but what do Americans think about Korea's addition to the US visa waiver program?

Visa wave what?

— Nicole Canavan (student), Wheeling WV

What the fuck?! I left Korea to get away from those people. What the fuck do I do now?!

— Zane Black (unemployed former English teacher), Pocatello ID

An increase in first-time Korean visitors would be a boon to people in my line of work.

— name withheld, Los Angeles CA

North or South? It shouldn't be the South. They're communists and they carry around nuclear bombs. 

— Jane Jelenek (Internet services representative), Oakley KS

Oh, shit! I told my baby mama that I couldn't afford to fly back to Korea and I didn't think there was any way the American embassy would give a single mom a tourist visa. Shit! Now she's gonna be coming for me.

— Zane Black (unemployed former English teacher), Pocatello ID

Korea? I lost my leg in Korea. It was on a frozen hill in '51, up near Wabu-ri, and we'd been surrounded by North Koreans for days. They were picking us off one by one. The gooks had us trapped and it was either die in a POW camp or die fighting the gooks. We chose to fight the gooks. In the middle of the night, when they were all drunk or asleep, we made a run for their lines, hoping to break through and make it south. With rifles blazing, half of us made it across but the rest ended up dead or wounded in the freezing mud. I was shot twice in the leg and I couldn't move. As I lay there slowly bleeding to death, I took out the first dozen gooks who came near me. Finally, when I had no more ammo, they grabbed me and took me to a village hospital near the front lines where they sawed off my leg and then left me in a crumpled mess on the floor of the most goddam unsanitary hospital you ever laid eyes on. They put maggots on my open wound—goddam maggots!—to clean out the bloody stump. When it was mostly healed they gave me a pine branch to use as a peg leg, and it took me the rest of my two-and-a-half years in captivity to learn how to walk normal again, all the while eating rats and bugs just to survive. I saw a third of my buddies die in that shit hole of a camp: some by starvation or malnutrition, some by disease or the elements, and some by gunfire when they tried to escape. I tried a few times myself, taking out at least ten gook guards total, but I got recaptured each time. Yeah, a tall goddam White guy gimpin' around the Korean countryside sticks out like a foot-long dick at a Chink convention. When they finally released me at the end of the war in '53, the camp commandant who'd captured me and brought me back each time saluted me and then offered a handshake, but I just spit in his face. Fucking gook bastard.

So, yeah, I support the visa-waiver program for Koreans. Just you come. I'll be waiting. 

— Bill Davis (retired anger management counselor), Madison TN

Oh, this is bad. Real bad. Is there any way you can, like, obscure my identity or something? Like put a blue dot over my face? I don't want to answer any more questions. 

— name withheld (unemployed former English teacher), undisclosed location

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Person on the street: What do you know about the Japanese colonization of Korea?

Imperial Japan just wanted to live peaceably with Korea. But Korea didn't want to have anything to do with us, so we had to go to war and defeat them.

— Kazuo Nakagawa, horticulturalist and graffiti artist

I heard that before the Japanese were invited to Korea, the Koreans were really in bad shape. They mostly ate roots that they dug up, and when food was really scarce, they ate their own feces. The Japanese colonizers showed them how to use chopsticks.

— Naoko Hirotsu, high school student

The Koreans loved us and were happy when we ruled them. The Korean War broke out because the South Koreans wanted to become Japanese again and the North said no.

— Hiro Ozawa, sushi sous-chef

Before Japan ruled Korea, everyone in Korea was Blood Type B. The Japanese government helped make everybody in Korea Type O or Type A. But the war ended and Korea was liberated before they were finished, so there are still Type B and Type AB people. These are the ones who hate Japan and stole Takeshima.

— Shiho Nomura, physics professor

Until 1895, Korea was ruled by an army of vicious monkeys. The Japanese defeated the evil simians in a bloody sumo contest held on Bamboo Island and took their place. But they were concerned that the Koreans would be embarrassed that they had once been ruled by monkeys, so the new Japanese rulers pretended they were the rulers of Korea from the beginning. That's how much Japan cared about Korea.

— Tsuyoshi Kumamoto, anime extra

The Koreans are originally from Japan. Their language is the same as ours, except they changed all the words so we wouldn't figure it out.

— Mayuko Akatsuka, hedge fund manager

What's a Korea?

— Anna Oishi, professional eating contest participant and game-show model

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