Sunday, April 16, 2006

Statistics don't lie: Whites are 78.6% more racist than the next most racist group

The lactose farts of Hines Ward had barely dissipated from ROK air space when The Marmot's guest blogger Haisan (a decent chap) started a discussion about the horribly misguided and culturally insensitive Bubble Girls, which has quickly deteriorated, as one might expect, into an exercise in race-baiting. Why, oh why can't the cracker-ass gringos, the gooks, and the nips all just get along? Wasn't that the message of 20th-century prophet Rodney King?

Anyway, I am so sick of stupid-ass White people telling stupid-ass Asian people how it's the Koreans, the Japanese, or the Chinese, or the freakin' Hmong who are the most racist. I'm also sick of stupid-ass Asian people doing the same thing to stupid-ass White people. And I'm really sick of stupid-ass Black people NOT calling everyone else onto the carpet and saying, "You're all a bunch of messed-up, race-baiting muther fuckers."

So being sick of this and all, I decided to put the matter to rest once and for all. I will use my powers of induction and my high-speed wireless Internet connection to determine conclusively and irrefutably which nationality is the most racist.

My methodology is simple. Racism is difficult to measure, since direct detection requires that people who possess it be very frank and blatant about something which society has most likely taught them is very bad if they possess it in strong doses. Thus, attempts at direct detection would utterly fail unless you're talking to a bunch of racist-and-proud yahoos like the good folks at
Stormfront or their Asian counterparts.

[at left: The logo for Stormfront. I happened across their site one day while searching for do-it-yourself small-business shop maintenance equipment when I mistyped "storefront." While I certainly don't agree with their politics, I do think they have a smart-looking logo. Plus their slogan rhymes. That's bonus points when you're trying to attract an army of simpletons.]

There are indeed some individuals who will openly acknowledge their racist tendencies. Americans are no longer taught that their country is the light of democracy, but rather that it is the bane of all other nationalities, so finding Americans who think they might harbor latent racism is like shooting fish in a barrel. Many Koreans and Japanese will also acknowldge their feelings of racial superiority, some of them—dismayingly—with a great amount of pride.

But since most other nationalities, like the Algerian-abusing French, the Irish-abusing Brits, the Maori-abusing New Zealanders, the American-abusing Canadians, etc., etc., are resolute in their belief that
their shit don't stink, it wouldn't be fair to self-loathing Americans to rely on self-reporting of racist viewpoints.

Thus, we are left with detecting racism indirectly (i.e., measuring the racism-infused perceptions of the recipients of racism). In some ways, this is preferable anyway, because many people are racist without knowing it, so even if they were to be honest, they would not be forthcoming about their own racism. That's why we need others to tell us they are racist. For example, my sixty-something mother still uses terms such as "Negro" and occasionally "Colored," and not just when talking about the United Negro College Fund or the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (which she does often).

These terms were on their way out when our family moved out of Compton, California, back when I was in elementary school (we were the last non-Black family living on our block; I think they even gave us a plaque). My sweet mother does not mean anything racist by referring to our
Negro neighbors back on Gale Avenue, which is why we need real-life Black people to definitively inform us that she is, indeed, racist. (And they might be right: my mother does tend to remember to lock her car doors about 1.3 seconds after seeing a Black youth walking down the street in Orange County, whereas it takes her about 2.1 seconds upon seeing a White youth in the same situation. With Asian youth, she will typically offer them a ride.)

So asking minorities what groups are racist against them is far and away the best method for determining racism. Fortunately, everybody is now a minority, so everyone can play. Even in places where White people are a majority, like the United States for example, the perception that they are being overwhelmed by other groups is good enough for them to claim minority status. Because being a minority is a state of mind more than a statistical state. And if we go to the macro-level anyway, the global planet, no one race is more than 50% of the Earth's population.

I will use a comprehensive source to mine for stated opinions on racist experience. This is actually quite simple using Google, which has cached every single thing ever uttered on-line. By searching for the string "[plural form of nationality] are the most racist," we can count the number of times such a sentence was uttered and saved for on-line viewing.

Now granted, this will not include all instances of someone thinking such-and-such group is indeed racist, but who cares? It's a sampling. Just like with statistical samples, in which we can't interview everyone, we can assume that those who
think that "Tibetans are the most racist" are just as likely to go on-line to present that opinion as those who think that "Mongolians are the most racist."

The results are as interesting as they are shocking. As of April 2006:

Whites are the most racist: 945 hits (includes "Whites," "White people," "Honkies," and "Gringos")
Blacks are the most racist: 529 hits (includes "Blacks" and "Black people")
Americans are the most racist: 233 hits
Japanese are the most racist: 217 hits
Asians are the most racist: 138 hits (includes search for "Orientals")
Chinese are the most racist: 99 hits
Koreans are the most racist: 96 hits
Mexicans are the most racist: 37 hits
British are the most racist: 20 hits (search includes "English" and "Brits")
French are the most racist: 20 hits
Germans are the most racist: 11 hits
Hispanics are the most racist: 9 hits
Vietnamese are the most racist: 9 hits
Italians are the most racist: 5 hits
Canadians are the most racist: 4 hits (two of which were duplicates)
Mongolians are the most racist: zero hits
Eskimos are the most racist: zero hits (Inuit were included in the search, because it's racist to call Inuit "Eskimos")

I thought about
subtracting hits for statements like "Niggers/Gooks/Japs are the most racist" (8, 1, and 43 hits respectively), but I quickly realized that would involve a lot of math.

I only searched for racist tendencies in around a dozen nationalities because, well, to be honest, the other 183 nationalities just don't count. If you don't like it, sue me. We'll just see if someone who looks like
you can get anywhere in the court system in my country.

Anyway, there you have it: White people are the most racist. 78.6% more racist than Blacks, the second most racist group. And Whites are 9.8 times more likely to be racist than Koreans are, so let's just bury that old chestnut once and for all.

Since the number of hits for White people being racist far exceeds that of Americans being racist, I'm assuming that White Kiwis, Aussies, Brits, the Irish, most Western Europeans, and the Cannucks are all running around acting like racist crackers. The Canadians, in particular, I suspect of running around pretending to be American when they're lording their Whiteness over people of Color.

So this should settle things once and for all. I hope you mooks all realize what a great service I've done, since surveys have shown that a whopping 17.3% of all Internet discussions are about who is the most racist. Hopefully this will free people up to talk about more substantive things.

Next week: Who is most passive-aggressive... (Hint: It's the Japanese.)


  1. OMFG! This post is disturbingly hilarious. Had you had a couple of shots of soju when you wrote this, or what?

  2. If I was intoxicated with anything, it was with the view from my window of the beauty of the cherry blossoms on Namsan—which those dirty, stinking Jap imperialists planted!

    No, I was totally sober. The best satire is done soberly, though often conceived while in a state of inebriation.

  3. Great Bovine from Above. That's freaking hilarious kushibo. Thanks for the chuckle on this otherwise blah Monday.

  4. Write more posts like this one, and your readership will overtake the Marmot's.

  5. JYCE wrote:
    As a word count search of Marmot's Hole will clearly reveal, Dogbert is by far the most passive aggressive.

    Now, now, jyce. We don't make personal or ad hominem attacks here on Monster Island.

    Except against that guy. [Kushibo points toward "that guy," just so everyone is sure who he's talking about.]

  6. Someday I shall have to compose a poem entitled, "Ode to my kyopo stalker".

    Just as long as you spell it, "kyopo" and not "gyopo."

  7. sewing curious, ki-ster, and especially space nakji, thanks.

    Sonagi wrote:
    Write more posts like this one, and your readership will overtake the Marmot's.

    Meh. When it comes to readership, it's about quality, baby, not quantity.

  8. This post goes in my special file.

    Refresh my memory, why is your mama so sweet on Asian kids?

    Everyone is a racist. If they think they aren't, that's nice, but they really are.

  9. Sunny wrote:
    Refresh my memory, why is your mama so sweet on Asian kids?

    Ah, if I go around explaining everything in the post, it would remove the veneers of the story and make it less punchy. But for some idea, take a look at the few personal photos I've posted. Also take note that the only people who have ever robbed my family were Black (a home invasion where fortunately we weren't home but they tore everything apart looking for cash, valuables, and my dad's hunting firearms) or White (meth addicts looking for things to steal for their next fix, plus their dealers who started taking our mail as part of an identity theft scam, plus they stole my dad's vehicle). To our knowledge, no Asians (or Latinos) have ever committed crimes against the family. But anyway, I really don't know if this has anything to do with anything, and that part of the post may have been embellished for effect.

    Everyone is a racist. If they think they aren't, that's nice, but they really are.

    Well, that was certainly a hidden message. Well, maybe not all that hidden.

    This post goes in my special file.

    Frankly, I'm a little pleasantly surprised at the positive response I've received on this one. It's like I hit a home run when I was aiming for a pitch that was heading for the dirt.

    To be honest, I hesitated sending it, so I was encouraged by Sewing's quick response. Curzon's reaction here and here threw me off a little—was this funny only in my head?—so I do appreciate the kind words.

    I'm guessing that he either really didn't read it, but just combed through it for the "stats" (thus missing the ironical context), or in my mind I am just a caricature of certain beliefs and he is reacting to that caricature more than anything else. It certainly gives me something to watch for in future interactions.

    Anyway, the music is coming on, that means it's time for me to step off the podium and let the next presenters step up.

  10. I wrote:
    ...or in my mind I am just a caricature...

    Whoops! --> in his mind I am just a caricature...

    dogbert wrote:
    I'm all about the M-R.

    Good. I'm going to write a few blog pieces on it, so getting at the merits of M-R, some getting at why the NAKL system simply is bad, politically, linguistically, economically, and pedagolocally.

  11. Kushibo:

    Seeing some of the s*** that's been flung around the Korean blogosphere in the last week or two on race issues (in all directions), I'm appreciating all the more your take on this whole topic. Nothing better than some across-the-board satire on such a loaded topic that (a) is no laughing matter, but (b) is all too easy to take all too seriously in a medium so prone to flamewars, etc.

  12. Sheer genuis! I hadn't seen this until today but I may pee my pants for the remainder of the day thinking of this. Smart, all sorts of truth socked away here, and illumated. Great stuff.

  13. "And they might be right: my mother does tend to remember to lock her car doors about 1.3 seconds after seeing a Black youth walking down the street in Orange County, whereas it takes her about 2.1 seconds upon seeing a White youth in the same situation. With Asian youth, she will typically offer them a ride." LOL


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