Monday, February 23, 2009

It's Shark Week at Monster Island!

The obvious caption for the pictures above and below: 
Shark and "Awww!"

That's right: It's Shark Week at Monster Island! (The above photos were taken from the site of the German National Academy of Behavioralists, which is highlighting their attempts to inflict nightmare patterns on infants and toddlers to see if they can be reversed five years later.)

Not much to say about this picture, except that if I were a mental health care professional of some kind, I would do my darnedest to make sure that this woman's health insurance carrier accepts claims for psychological therapy so that I could find out what the hell happened to her that would compel her go out and get a shark swallowing a bloody baby for an armpit tattoo. I would then use the proceeds to buy myself a boat or a Lexus. 

I hope this woman opted for permanent hair removal where her body art is, because she wouldn't want to run the risk of looking strange. 

I forgot this guy's name, but in 2003, off the coast of Santa Catalina Island, he showed me how to take advantage of the evolutionarily primitive neural network that sharks have, which allows you to perform a Vulcan nerve pinch

It's an important new survival technique for divers and surfers, but if done improperly, it can result in the death of the shark (or the human). 

Before this method was developed, the only defense for surfers who were attacked by sharks was to bite the shark back and see how he likes it. 

At left is what a Vulcan nerve pinch looks like when performed on a person from the future. In the 23rd century, 1960s-style retro clothing will be all the rage. 

I'll have to find the link later, but I read somewhere that Chinese zoologists in Chengdu can induce their usually shy panda bears* to mate if they watch shark porn for several days in a row. The pandas, I mean; not the zoologists.

Commerce officials in the island county of Shinan-gun in South Chŏlla Province, in the southwestern portion of the Korean archipelago, are attempting to boost the local economy by mass-production of a traditional alcoholic beverage called sangŏju (상어주; sang•ǒ•ju), or "shark wine." It is essentially a neonatal shark pickled in clear rice wine, and it is noted for being good for "stamina," a euphemism for bedroom prowess, which is itself a euphemism for sexual fortitude (i.e., get it up, get it in, and get it on!). 

*Over the past several decades, China's panda population has dropped dramatically as a result overly zealous application of that country's One-Child Policy. 

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2 comments:

  1. 1. that tattoo rocks.
    2. lexus sucks. buy a muscle car or if you want to be an eco-pansie buy something gay like a lexus.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That woman got that tattoo on her 21st birthday. She passed out from too much drinking, and she woke up with this.

    ReplyDelete

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